Ok, so I'm thinking about tattoos. I really kinda want some. At the same time, my dad is against them. And, haha, when I asked my Mom about it, she said that I'm 18 (well, I was when I asked her. now I'm almost 20. crap, i'm old.) so I can make my own decisions, but she'd recommend that I think about it thoroughly and talk about it with people who know me well 'cause I'd be stuck with it for the rest of my life.
And then I hesitate. How do I know what I'll want on me for the rest of my life displayed as permanent body art? I don't. What if I change? Hmm. It's a problem because I'm really not at all a risk-taker. And this, this is a risk.
But then I see tattoos on other people: celebrities, friends, random photos on the internet, and I admire them. They look awesome. Ironically, I really like big ones - ones that are a bunch of designs covering a large portion of the body. I don't think I'd go with that, though. But it can be so beautiful. And striking.
Yet, I have to be careful. If I end up going to medical school and becoming a doctor, visible tattoos could hurt my chances of getting hired (apparently, as the lady who coordinates with student volunteers at my college for a nearby hospital informed us that visible tattoos are a no-no and we weren't allowed piercings more than double in the ear if we wanted to volunteer). So. But I don't mind getting tattoos that aren't readily visible. My tattoos will be more for me than anyone else. Really.
So. I do like color, but I don't know if I like a lot of color on me.
Design ideas I really like:
1. swallows (very pretty)
2. pink dogwood (either a single blossom or a whole branch, probably on my back)
3. words? i loveee words on the arch of the foot LOVE LOVE LOVE (but i don't have any idea what i'd get)
4. a star/stars (one of my favorite tattoos that i've seen involved lots of stars etched across a girl's stomach; however, this wouldn't work for me) I also am not sure about stars. i love stars, but i don't know if i like tattoo stars. it's in the range of possibility though.
5. a cross on the bottom of my foot (i really like this)
other than that, i'm not sure
but....oh, it's tempting. i just need to figure out what i want. my family won't be thrilled (it's so odd how ok my mom is with it, though), but they can deal. and, depending on the place, they might not find out? well, maybe no one beyond my immediate family. like not grandma or grandpa, etc. yeahh.
okay, ideas for words:
"for the soul is dead that slumbers" (Longfellow)
"dust thou art, to dust returnest, was not spoken of the soul" (too long for the arch)
"love never fails" (kinda short for the arch maybe...it'd depend on how big i got it)
"i vex my heart alone" (maybe not, but it sounds awesome) (Oscar Wilde)
"full of sound and fury, signifying nothing" or just "full of sound and fury" (Shakespeare)
"and so we came forth and once again beheld the stars" (Dante)
yeah, nothing there that's really outstanding.
blah.
i'll just have to keep my eyes open.

on a different note, i have recently become obsessed with NCIS.
and Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
and, subsequently, Mark Harmon.
Yes.
Gibbs is just awesome. Really. He might be my favorite television character ever. EVER.
'cause 'cause 'cause 'cause he's awesomee. and i have seen the NCIS episodes to prove it. YES. he is my hero. i'm gonna put that in my "heroes" section on here.
quotes?

Abby: [to the dog named Jethro] Who’s a good Jethro?!
Gibbs: I’m a good Jethro.
Abby: Don’t be mad. Be flattered! He’s just so strong and handsome and quiet. So I named him Jethro.

Tony: Computers are your thing Mcgee, if I had a thing I'd show it off all the time.
Gibbs: There are rules against that Dinnozzo.

Kate: Do people react that way because we’re NCIS, or do you just have that special touch?
Gibbs: I’d like to think its me.

Yeah. There isn't an abundance of awesome Gibbs quotes because he's more of the silent type; his awesomeness consists more of the silent intimidation factor and the fact that he is pretty much invincible that does it. and it's not what he says so much as the way he says it, a combination of intimidativeness (not a word) and gentleness. gruff softness. because he doesnt need to be loud. sometimes he is, but he usually doesn't need to be. oh, plus his relationship with abby. very cute. and they both speak sign language and he says he loves her. ^_^ but not like *that*. i think it's more a father-daughter relationship; sort of a stand-in for kelly. yeah. and friendship; and he'd protect her at any cost. well, he'd protect anyone on his team. but she's his favorite. he's said so. ^_^ yeah, it makes me happy.

I want to write a book. I want to write novels. I just . . . don't know what kind or what they should be about. It's tough to come up with a good plot. It's especially tough when you realize that people who know you will be reading it and - worse - reading into it.
"Why can't you write a happy book?"
Well, I don't know. It might get a little boring...
"How do you know so much about this subject?"
Well....I just....read a lot? And....I plead the fifth!!
Because, God knows, if I write a book, my entire family will want to read it.

Haha, I'm so paranoid.

I actually do have a list somewhere of subjects in life that I *know* about and could therefore *write* about, but a list of subjects doesn't constitute a plot. A plot....hmm.
You know, apparently authors in the 800-1000s AD usually didn't come up with their own original storylines. Usually they took an existing story and either 1. amplified it or certain aspects of it  or 2. abridged it  or...whatever. According to my English professor.
I could rewrite a biblical story. That's done a lot. Or write about a historical figure.
I could write a mystery. My grandma would love that. I think I'd like it, too.
We'll see. We'll see.

And and I have a list of slight ramblings in a Word document about stuff I'd want to put into a story, along with some random dialogue, etc.
Yes.
Also, one of my high school English teachers gave us an assignment where we had to be sure to use so many words out of a list of random objects. I had to use the word "baseball", I remember. It just makes the story more colorful.
I soo want to do this. Not to make a huge statement about the universe or life or anything, but simply because I believe that novels are art. They are. They're beautiful and wonderful for escapism if they're done right. I want to do one right. I've enjoyed books all my life and now I would like to contribute to the wondrous world of escapism reading. And I do want to do it in a way that will make people think.

If I wrote a mystery, I think I'd want to make it possible for the reader to figure out "whodunit" before I really "tell" them. I wouldn't make it easy, though. But, oh, it'd be fun.

Maybe a mystery would be the best way to start. I feel like i could map out the plot of a mystery better than I could a regular novel.

Yes.

ACK! Again with the indecisiveness.
Earlier this semester, I was leaning towards transferring. Then, I submitted my housing form (just in case) and signed up for classes (ditto) and visited the college I'd be transferring to and realized just how crazy it is at home and the weather here stopped being super crappy and I remembered why I wanted to be an English major.
So now, what with having next semester all lined up, being in a pretty comfortable place, I didn't really want to go through the trouble of transferring. But now . . . now again I don't know. My sister, if she knew I was considering transferring, would beg me to do it. She begs me to come home even though she doesn't know I'm thinking about it! My Mom wants me to transfer; she loves my current college, but she misses me and everything's such a mess at home . . . My Dad kinda doesn't want me to transfer. He doesn't want me to have to deal with the mess at home. Not that anyone else seems to be able to deal with it very well.
And would I be able to do all my college work in that atmosphere? I'm thinking that I'd get my license and a car over the summer, so I'd be able to remove myself to the college library and work there if I needed quiet. Or I could go to Grandma's. And I could transport myself back and forth to classes and wherever else I need or want to go. I think it'd give me a good level of autonomy and separation, as long as I can get over how anxious driving makes me . . .
But, honestly, what would I lose if I left Hillsdale?
1. serious alone time (I'm a little anti-social; I have friends and people to talk to and occasionally hang out with and always eat meals with, but most of my time - and everyone else's! - is taken up by classes and homework)
2. the nice, friendly, conservative atmosphere
3. the awesome classical academics; I wouldn't get to take my US Constitution class :(
4. my freaking awesome piano teacher
5. the quality of the English department (though I might switch to major in French at Fairfield U)
What would be gained by going to Fairfield U?
1. the possiblity of helping with the situation at home (helping to homeschool Danielle, easing relations between her and our mom)
2. possibly a better pre-med program?
3. broader languages program

But, honestly, I've known all this all semester. The stakes haven't changed. Although it seems like Danielle's situation is getting worse and worse . . . at least as far as how my mom's handling it. So maybe it's my mom who needs me more, haha?
Oh, God, I don't know.
If I go to Fairfield U, I can definitely still become a doctor. That's my main goal. I don't have to major in English. I'd still like to improve my paper-writing skills (they apparently need a lot of work according to Hillsdale honors standards) and I doubt I could accomplish that really well at Fairfield U. But my main thing with English is I want to maybe be a writer. Not really a writer of papers . . . just an author . i don't need to major in English and master textual analysis to do that. Plus I could learn more languages . . .
But I'm afraid of this decision! Especially since I was just leaning towards staying here and now all of a sudden in English class (we were talking about existentialism and responsibility haha) I started feeling intensely drawn towards transferring.
WHAT IS THIS LIFE I LIVE? I'm analyzing everything to the point of where nothing makes sense and nothing seems to matter. God, this is such a big decision. But does it really matter? What's the best choice? What should I do? I feel like there must be some key piece that I'm missing that would tell me exactly what I should do. I feel like one of the choicesmust be the better choice.
Why am I so afraid of this choice?
I'm afraid of being wrong. I'm afraid of going home and hating Fairfield U (I doubt that would actually happen) or . . . hate being home. Honestly, I don't know if I'd be happier there than here. I don't know if my happiness level would change at all. But my family might be happier.
Again, I don't know what to do. But now transferring seems like a viable option. Now I feel like the chances are 50/50. Earlier this semseter, they were about 60/40 in favor of transferring. Then they were 25/75 not in favor of transfering. Average? 45/55. That's pretty darn close. Pretty. Darn. Close.
I guess I'll just have to finish out the Fairfield U application process and keep thinking about it. And pray. Pray lots.

You know, I don't think that it's possible to create art without putting a lot of ourselves and our experiences into what we create. It makes us vulnerable, it might piss off the people we use as inspiration ("did you put me in your book?!"), but it also makes us real. Art is a reflection, an enhancement, an interpretation of reality. It's how we bring out the beauty, the ugliness, and the truth that we've discovered in our lives.
Some of my best short stories are based off of things that have really happened to me. I wish I could create something not so personal, that doesn't involve awkwardly revealing my own weaknesses and the vulnerabilities of the people around me, something that's not my "diary screaming out loud", but I'm not sure that I can't. And, God, I'm a private, extremely introverted person, so I hate it when my diary screams out loud. Shut up, already.
And sometimes you don't want people to know how you really see them. Like the boy you're irrevokably attracted to, but you know you can never ever be with. And if he ever found out . . . Like how you can see your parents' faults maybe a little clearer than they might want you to. How you're not as happy or as perfect as you'd like the world to believe. How you struggle to keep forgiving the people who've hurt you.
And I don't want to reveal so much about myself! I don't want people to see who I really am. "And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand." I don't even think that I understand myself; I don't want anyone to be upset by what I reveal.
But there's a lighter side, I suppose. I love when artists draw something and then make someone they know and love into a beautiful character. Like in an episode of the detective series Raines when a young graphic novel artist makes his girlfriend an angel. That's just so beautiful.
And something I just looked at on DeviantArt, an artist depicted her son as an acorn pixie. And he's just adorable. And it's her son, and he's not *really* an acorn pixie, but it's great to use the ones you love as models. I wonder if they mind.
Maybe we can't create without drawing on our lives and experiences.
I don't know. Just thoughts.

Sorry this is long, but it's a complicated decision . . .

I’ve been thinking of transferring. To Fairfield University. To live at home. To major in French and learn Italian/Japanese/what-have-you. They have a lot of languages (they have a big business program and languages are good for international business). Not all of the languages are majors, but they have both French and Italian as majors and I think I want to major in French, whether I transfer or not. Plus, Fairfield University has a good pre-med program (because it has a good nursing program). And I’ll most likely get in since my grades are above the average applicant’s.

Pros:

I could help with my sister Danielle. She’ll be fifteen in April and last January she got a concussion and has been dealing with symptoms ever since: headaches, light/sound sensitivity, almost seizure-like states, difficulty concentrating, difficulty doing too much without getting really tired . . . she had to be taken out of school at the beginning of her freshman year, but there’s only so much she can even do just homeschooling. And my parents may or may not be really equipped to homeschool her. She has a math tutor and my grandmother taught her English for a while and I did both while I was home. She hasn’t done any science, though, and my mom only did a bit of history with her. And now my mom has been complaining about her behavior . . . I’m not sure what she’s done, but . . . yeah. I don’t know. When I first started thinking about transferring I thought I could homeschool her all by myself, but . . . college full-time plus full-time homeschooling? That’d be rough, even with a math tutor. But she was doing really well when I was home . . . with her schoolwork and attitude-wise . . . she feels really isolated being home alone all the time. Her friends tend to be too busy to keep in touch with her . . .

And my mother is so overwhelmed with what’s happened to my sister. Plus, with the economy, work for her has been rough. She’s a bookkeeper at a place that hires out electricians and such, and they’re having to lay off electricians and she’s going to be working fewer hours. So everything at home is tense. And maybe I could help. Although by next fall, maybe all that will be fine?

But I actually do have an academic reason to leave. If I want to study modern languages (Italian, Japanese, etc), I can’t do it here. All we have by way of modern languages is French, Spanish, and German. I don’t really want to study Spanish or German. We also have Hebrew (ancient? Is there a difference?), Greek, and Latin, but the reason I want to study languages (well, the practical reason beyond the fact that I just like it) is so that I can be a multilingual doctor. I will not have any patients who only speak Latin or Ancient Greek. If I went to Fairfield U, I’d probably major in French and maybe minor in Italian or Italian studies or Biology or something.

And Fairfield U will probably be easier than Hillsdale. Therefore, higher GPA. Not that my current college GPA is bad. It’s quite respectable. Not what it was in high school, but it’s respectable. But a higher GPA is really really good for getting into medical school (which is pretty difficult; the acceptance rates are atrocious). And Fairfield U has a good pre-med program, like I said. I looked it up. And it has a good study abroad program, which I want to do.

Plus, I’d get to be with my family. I love my family. And I’d get to be around friends. A few of my friends currently live at home (in CT) and go to nearby colleges, so if they didn’t transfer, I’d get to see them. Not that I can’t make my own friends at Fairfield U. I . . . probably can . . .

Also, my eating and sleeping schedule here kind of sucks. I’ve gotten into the habit of eating at night (emotional eating . . .). If I had my way, I would eat dinner later at night, but as it is at this small school, the dining hall is only open for dinner from 5:15 to 7 on weeknights and 5-6 on weekends. It’s really really not good because then I’m up till 2 or 3 and I get really hungry around 11. So I eat. And I end up eating too much. And I’ve gained my freshman 10-15. And, like I said, I go to sleep every night between 2 and 3. And most days I wake up at either 7:30 or 8:30. I’m sleep-deprived. At home, I wouldn’t have a vending machine to binge on junk food from. I’d be more pressured to go to sleep earlier like everyone else in the house. And, yes, it’s arguable that I could fix at least the eating thing here, but I have a huge history of the eating thing it’s not just hey I’m a freshman I’m stressed I’m going to develop a bad eating habit and then be too lazy to fix it. It’s pretty ingrained into me already. And I can only deal with fixing so much right now.

I wouldn’t have to miss so many concerts! I can’t go to concerts out here I have no transportation! I’ve missed Hellogoodbye and Flogging Molly and Backseat Goodbye argh . . .

It is not as cold at home. I’m in Michigan right now and the temperatures were subzero for a while. And I had to walk in it. I mean, it’s cold back in CT and I would still have to walk around campus in the cold, but it simply does not get quite as cold in CT.

Cons:

            I’m kind of comfy here. There’s no yelling (well, actually some of my friends are pretty loud and sometimes they get drama-y and yell, but it’s really fine compared to home). I like my little space in my dorm and being able to be alone for prolonged periods of time if I want to, but I have lots of friends, so I don’t have to be alone if I don’t want to.

I have friends here, and I’d miss them. I’m not that close to any of them, though, so it’s not a really big loss.

I’m doing well here academically. I’m not sure that I’ll be good at learning more languages.  

I might not get the scholarship I have here. Fairfield U costs more.

I wouldn’t get to fly all the time (I love flying).

My credits might not all transfer – what if I have to take another year?

I might not make friends. And if Bekah and Eric (friends at home and currently living at home) both go to faraway colleges?

I won’t be able to take piano lessons from Mr. Spangler. I just started this semester, and I like him better so far than any other piano teacher I’ve had. What if I can’t find another teacher I really like?

What if I’m only doing this because Danielle needs help being homeschooled? What if she ends up going back to school regularly next fall?

What if it looks like I made a mistake in choosing Hillsdale (my current college)? I’m not sorry I’ve been here this past year. It might look like I’m wimping out, like I’m too afraid to live this far away from home.

 

My grandma (I love her!) didn’t want me to go far away in the first place. She was actually pretty upset. Everyone misses me. I miss them.

Advice please? And courage to go talk to my academic mentor or RAs about it? (I’m uber-shy and I feel bad, like I’m saying I don’t like Hillsdale. I do! I really do, but I can’t study the languages I want, and I think I can help my family . . . it’s rough for them right now and my sister needs help . . . and if my parents can’t give her that help, maybe I can).

Advice advice advice!

please . . .

"I would just like to let everyone know that I'm a girl and I like ribbons in my hair and I want to kiss all the boys."
Well, maybe not all the boys.
Anyways, the point is that I've been thinking. About me. And guys. And other things, too, but I think I'm just going to write about relationships and such right now. I don't want to scare anyone, haha.
So. I think I could deal with having a boyfriend. I could. I don't hate myself as much as I used to. Sometimes I actually think I'm beautiful and whatnot. Sometimes I love myself. Sometimes I think I'm worthy of love. And when I don't think any or all of these things, I think I could be persuaded. And, hey, last year my old therapist was like....you seem ready for a romantic relationship. And old Dr. Currim (adorable old Indian man) said the same thing! Get a boy! And I was like, oh, ok. Sure. Easier said than done.
However, I don't know that I could have handled it then. But now? Yes, probably. In truth. Well, maybe. Maybe I should work through my, uh, emotional? issues all the way first, but . . . I don't know if that's even ever going to happen. So I guess he'd just have to deal. Or I could just not tell him everything. But I'm not sure I'd want that. I'd have to ask my friends (who already know my stupid crap) if I should tell him all my stupid crap. I'd ask like Dan and Eric and Reece if they would want their girlfriend to tell them and if they think the specific guy could handle it.
It'd be so scary to do, though. I'd have to trust him SO MUCH. And I don't want to be vulnerable again . . . not to anyone. It's just too risky . . . from what I've learned. But what's a relationship without trust? And if I didn't know the guy much beforehand, would it be fair to let him get into a relationship with me without knowing what he'd be getting himself into? I guess I'd just have to give a vague warning.
Anyhow. The problem is I don't think I have a very good chance of getting into a relationship anytime soon. I don't have a good chance because I don't talk to boys! I don't talk to people much in general, but I talk more to girls than boys. I have lots of friends at college that are girls, but I really only have one friend here that's a boy. If I don't talk to boys, they can't get to know me, and if they can't get to know me, they won't fall in love with me, and if they don't fall in love with me, they won't ask me out. This is why I'm screwed in the relationship department. Besides, I really haven't met any guys here that I actually like. I don't have a crush on anyone here! It's pretty weird for me. Well, there are a couple senior guys that caught my eye, but they don't count. They're graduating in less than a semester anyway.
So. I do talk to some boys, but I don't think any of them are going to fall in love with me. These are the boys I actually talk to:
1. Nick - my only guy friend at college; wouldn't date me because he's Catholic and I'm not; besides, I don't like him like that
2. Eric - we've been friends since earlyy elementary school; he has a girlfriend; but I'm actually proud that we've gotten close again over the past couple years <3
3. Reece - I can't even go there. There are so many reasons why we could never date. He loves me, though :) So there.
4. Dan - I think I'd be afraid to date him. He might yell at me. Plus we have some similar issues . . . I don't think he likes me like that . . . although I do know that he believes love can be cultivated with practically anyone . . . um I don't know. But we don't talk anymore. He's really not an option.
5. Josh - he loves me, okay? I'm convinced :) Just kidding. But he is really really nice to me. Sweeeet guy. But I just don't think he's interested. I invited him to both my banquets . . . he might know that I like him . . . he should invite me to his banquet this year . . . but he probably won't . . . he has lots and lots of friends that are girls to ask . . . prettier, thinner ones . . . more talkative ones . . . haha
Yeah, so those are the guys currently in my life who are eligible for dating, girlfriends aside. I.e. yes, I have a good relationship with my daddy and my grandpa and my cousin Justin . . .
But it's really pretty sad. I'd love to fall in love and be loved. I think it'd brighten my life a little. But I don't talk to boys, therefore, I am screwed.

"She was the little cinder girl, living in the shadows of an inaccessible palace, in love with the unseen prince, who would one day hear her music."
- Azar Nafisi

 

"I can fly
But I want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But I crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings"

 

 

i'm having a horrible day.
i had to wake up early to go to my chemistry lab, which was pretty easy, but i was really anxious the entire time for no reason. and i have no lab partner. allll byyy myselfff. *singing*
um. then i took a two and a half hour nap to what i THOUGHT was my 2 o'clock english class, but IS ACTUALLY MY 1 O'CLOCK english class.
oh God oh God oh God. Jackson is going to kill me. This is the grade I'm worried about, too. On the syllabus: more than 5 absences is a D. Now I'm going to have missed both classes this week. I'm missing Thursday's because I'm going to be in DC. He knows I have a good reason for that one, but . . . in his class, an absence is an absence. And basically right now I'm going to send him a frantic e-mail saying how sorry I am, but I overslept his class and I'm really really sorry and hope that maybe he gives me a little grace since I'm a stupid freshman and it's only the second class of the semester . . .
I could have gone to the last twenty minutes of the 75 minute class, but I didn't want a scene; I'd probably have cried. I almost cried in chem lab for no reason; now I have a reason!!
augh. augh. augh.
just . . . just NOT a good day.
at least tomorrow night I'll be in DC, hopefully eating at Charlie Chang's with no problems. i love Charlie Chang's. It's an amazinggg chinese restaurant in DC.
when should I send the email? will he think I should have come now anyways? maybe I should wait till like 2:30 and be like whoa, I totally overslept your class. (except not sound quite as surfer-bum casual about it)
and I still have a double ear infection.
I don't know how I'm going to make it through the semester.
I guess the only way to go now is up . . .

I go to college in Michigan and, man, is it cold right now! It is -11 degrees out. There's like at least 6 inches of snow on the ground. It's definitely pretty, but it's tough because I have to walk everywhere. Ouch. I'm from Connecticut, and it does get cold there too, but not this cold. And when I'm in Connecticut, I don't have to walk everywhere. People drive me places. It's nice. Not so much here. Last winter in CT, I made it through winter basically wearing only sweatshirts. If I did that here, I'm pretty sure I'd die of pneumonia and frostbite. It'd be very very sad.
But I like the snow. It's pretty.
I just hope it doesn't stay this cold for too too long. I hope this is the worst it gets, and then the temperatures will go back up at least a little bit. I'll go back to CT in March and the temperatures will be like 25 degrees and I'll be like yay warm! Ugh . . .
The ironic thing is that today in Anchorage, Alaska it's 42 degrees . . .
Whyy?
I guess it's not too bad since I haven't started a hardcore countdown till I go home yet. I'm not obsessed with going home yet, which is good since I've only been back here since Monday evening. But: I go home in 56 days. woot.
No, but I'm okay with being here. I like it here ^_^
Although, my English class is already scaring me. I was hoping this semester would be a tad easier than last. Lucky me, I'm in an honors English class, and last semester was super hard. English has always been one of my best subjects, but it was my worst class last semester! Crazy. I guess it'll only make me a better writer and such, though. And, me being me, I can't not challenge myself. I can't take the easy road and take the non-honors English class when I can take the honors class. The thing that really scares me is that I might have to give a 4-5 minute lecture sometime in the semester :( well . . . we'll see.
But I think I'm going to be loving my art history class. I love looking at art and finding out stuff about it, what it means, and just seeing how beautiful it is. It's great.
Chemistry is tough too though . . . today's lecture was a little rough. I haven't seen what we did today before.
History shouldn 't be too bad, and I even said something in class yesterday! (That's big for me, I rarely participate in class even though I should).
I don't know what to expect from Biology. I'm good at Biology, so hopefully it won't be hard.
That's basically it. We shall see how this all plays out.

something big has changed.
i feel like someone could love me.
like i could allow someone to love me.
like i could be in a relationship.
wow.
and it's because i don't hate myself anymore. (usually)
a lot of the time i like myself or even love myself.
and that makes me a good candidate for a romantic relationship.
it could happen. it could be amazing!
i'm happy with myself and where i am and what i'm doing with my life. i'm not my own ideal - i'm not thin enough not talkative enough not smart enough.....but i am happy!
and i can't get over that feeling
i used to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, usually for no reason at all! and be sad and anxious and depressed and afraid all the time. and all the pressure i put on myself only led to so much trouble . . .
i'm leaving it behind.
not that i don't get sad or anxious or depressed or afraid anymore. i definitely have my moments . . . they are not good moments. it wouldn't be hard to go back to where i used to be. but i hope to God that i don't.
dear God, for the first time in a long time (and this has been developing over the past nine to twelve months or so) i'm actually happy! i'm actually not living in blind misery, in a fog, in the depths of despair or the black holes of Calcutta! i visit, but i don't live there!
there's actually joy in life!
who knew?
and even if no romantic relationship shows up, i might actually be ok with that too. i have God; i have my friends, and i have my family. they are all SO AMAZING. not perfect, but they bring me so much joy!
life is good
and i can live it.
nothing written in stone, though. no promises. no ultimatums. if i want to crawl back into my hole . . . i can.
but right now, i'm basking in the sunlight and loving the hope.
i change so very slowly. but the slower one changes, the easier it is to make those changes permanent. and i want to make joy, strength, hope, and contentment permanent fixtures in my life.