something big has changed.
i feel like someone could love me.
like i could allow someone to love me.
like i could be in a relationship.
wow.
and it's because i don't hate myself anymore. (usually)
a lot of the time i like myself or even love myself.
and that makes me a good candidate for a romantic relationship.
it could happen. it could be amazing!
i'm happy with myself and where i am and what i'm doing with my life. i'm not my own ideal - i'm not thin enough not talkative enough not smart enough.....but i am happy!
and i can't get over that feeling
i used to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, usually for no reason at all! and be sad and anxious and depressed and afraid all the time. and all the pressure i put on myself only led to so much trouble . . .
i'm leaving it behind.
not that i don't get sad or anxious or depressed or afraid anymore. i definitely have my moments . . . they are not good moments. it wouldn't be hard to go back to where i used to be. but i hope to God that i don't.
dear God, for the first time in a long time (and this has been developing over the past nine to twelve months or so) i'm actually happy! i'm actually not living in blind misery, in a fog, in the depths of despair or the black holes of Calcutta! i visit, but i don't live there!
there's actually joy in life!
who knew?
and even if no romantic relationship shows up, i might actually be ok with that too. i have God; i have my friends, and i have my family. they are all SO AMAZING. not perfect, but they bring me so much joy!
life is good
and i can live it.
nothing written in stone, though. no promises. no ultimatums. if i want to crawl back into my hole . . . i can.
but right now, i'm basking in the sunlight and loving the hope.
i change so very slowly. but the slower one changes, the easier it is to make those changes permanent. and i want to make joy, strength, hope, and contentment permanent fixtures in my life.

I go to college in Michigan and, man, is it cold right now! It is -11 degrees out. There's like at least 6 inches of snow on the ground. It's definitely pretty, but it's tough because I have to walk everywhere. Ouch. I'm from Connecticut, and it does get cold there too, but not this cold. And when I'm in Connecticut, I don't have to walk everywhere. People drive me places. It's nice. Not so much here. Last winter in CT, I made it through winter basically wearing only sweatshirts. If I did that here, I'm pretty sure I'd die of pneumonia and frostbite. It'd be very very sad.
But I like the snow. It's pretty.
I just hope it doesn't stay this cold for too too long. I hope this is the worst it gets, and then the temperatures will go back up at least a little bit. I'll go back to CT in March and the temperatures will be like 25 degrees and I'll be like yay warm! Ugh . . .
The ironic thing is that today in Anchorage, Alaska it's 42 degrees . . .
Whyy?
I guess it's not too bad since I haven't started a hardcore countdown till I go home yet. I'm not obsessed with going home yet, which is good since I've only been back here since Monday evening. But: I go home in 56 days. woot.
No, but I'm okay with being here. I like it here ^_^
Although, my English class is already scaring me. I was hoping this semester would be a tad easier than last. Lucky me, I'm in an honors English class, and last semester was super hard. English has always been one of my best subjects, but it was my worst class last semester! Crazy. I guess it'll only make me a better writer and such, though. And, me being me, I can't not challenge myself. I can't take the easy road and take the non-honors English class when I can take the honors class. The thing that really scares me is that I might have to give a 4-5 minute lecture sometime in the semester :( well . . . we'll see.
But I think I'm going to be loving my art history class. I love looking at art and finding out stuff about it, what it means, and just seeing how beautiful it is. It's great.
Chemistry is tough too though . . . today's lecture was a little rough. I haven't seen what we did today before.
History shouldn 't be too bad, and I even said something in class yesterday! (That's big for me, I rarely participate in class even though I should).
I don't know what to expect from Biology. I'm good at Biology, so hopefully it won't be hard.
That's basically it. We shall see how this all plays out.

i'm having a horrible day.
i had to wake up early to go to my chemistry lab, which was pretty easy, but i was really anxious the entire time for no reason. and i have no lab partner. allll byyy myselfff. *singing*
um. then i took a two and a half hour nap to what i THOUGHT was my 2 o'clock english class, but IS ACTUALLY MY 1 O'CLOCK english class.
oh God oh God oh God. Jackson is going to kill me. This is the grade I'm worried about, too. On the syllabus: more than 5 absences is a D. Now I'm going to have missed both classes this week. I'm missing Thursday's because I'm going to be in DC. He knows I have a good reason for that one, but . . . in his class, an absence is an absence. And basically right now I'm going to send him a frantic e-mail saying how sorry I am, but I overslept his class and I'm really really sorry and hope that maybe he gives me a little grace since I'm a stupid freshman and it's only the second class of the semester . . .
I could have gone to the last twenty minutes of the 75 minute class, but I didn't want a scene; I'd probably have cried. I almost cried in chem lab for no reason; now I have a reason!!
augh. augh. augh.
just . . . just NOT a good day.
at least tomorrow night I'll be in DC, hopefully eating at Charlie Chang's with no problems. i love Charlie Chang's. It's an amazinggg chinese restaurant in DC.
when should I send the email? will he think I should have come now anyways? maybe I should wait till like 2:30 and be like whoa, I totally overslept your class. (except not sound quite as surfer-bum casual about it)
and I still have a double ear infection.
I don't know how I'm going to make it through the semester.
I guess the only way to go now is up . . .

"I would just like to let everyone know that I'm a girl and I like ribbons in my hair and I want to kiss all the boys."
Well, maybe not all the boys.
Anyways, the point is that I've been thinking. About me. And guys. And other things, too, but I think I'm just going to write about relationships and such right now. I don't want to scare anyone, haha.
So. I think I could deal with having a boyfriend. I could. I don't hate myself as much as I used to. Sometimes I actually think I'm beautiful and whatnot. Sometimes I love myself. Sometimes I think I'm worthy of love. And when I don't think any or all of these things, I think I could be persuaded. And, hey, last year my old therapist was like....you seem ready for a romantic relationship. And old Dr. Currim (adorable old Indian man) said the same thing! Get a boy! And I was like, oh, ok. Sure. Easier said than done.
However, I don't know that I could have handled it then. But now? Yes, probably. In truth. Well, maybe. Maybe I should work through my, uh, emotional? issues all the way first, but . . . I don't know if that's even ever going to happen. So I guess he'd just have to deal. Or I could just not tell him everything. But I'm not sure I'd want that. I'd have to ask my friends (who already know my stupid crap) if I should tell him all my stupid crap. I'd ask like Dan and Eric and Reece if they would want their girlfriend to tell them and if they think the specific guy could handle it.
It'd be so scary to do, though. I'd have to trust him SO MUCH. And I don't want to be vulnerable again . . . not to anyone. It's just too risky . . . from what I've learned. But what's a relationship without trust? And if I didn't know the guy much beforehand, would it be fair to let him get into a relationship with me without knowing what he'd be getting himself into? I guess I'd just have to give a vague warning.
Anyhow. The problem is I don't think I have a very good chance of getting into a relationship anytime soon. I don't have a good chance because I don't talk to boys! I don't talk to people much in general, but I talk more to girls than boys. I have lots of friends at college that are girls, but I really only have one friend here that's a boy. If I don't talk to boys, they can't get to know me, and if they can't get to know me, they won't fall in love with me, and if they don't fall in love with me, they won't ask me out. This is why I'm screwed in the relationship department. Besides, I really haven't met any guys here that I actually like. I don't have a crush on anyone here! It's pretty weird for me. Well, there are a couple senior guys that caught my eye, but they don't count. They're graduating in less than a semester anyway.
So. I do talk to some boys, but I don't think any of them are going to fall in love with me. These are the boys I actually talk to:
1. Nick - my only guy friend at college; wouldn't date me because he's Catholic and I'm not; besides, I don't like him like that
2. Eric - we've been friends since earlyy elementary school; he has a girlfriend; but I'm actually proud that we've gotten close again over the past couple years <3
3. Reece - I can't even go there. There are so many reasons why we could never date. He loves me, though :) So there.
4. Dan - I think I'd be afraid to date him. He might yell at me. Plus we have some similar issues . . . I don't think he likes me like that . . . although I do know that he believes love can be cultivated with practically anyone . . . um I don't know. But we don't talk anymore. He's really not an option.
5. Josh - he loves me, okay? I'm convinced :) Just kidding. But he is really really nice to me. Sweeeet guy. But I just don't think he's interested. I invited him to both my banquets . . . he might know that I like him . . . he should invite me to his banquet this year . . . but he probably won't . . . he has lots and lots of friends that are girls to ask . . . prettier, thinner ones . . . more talkative ones . . . haha
Yeah, so those are the guys currently in my life who are eligible for dating, girlfriends aside. I.e. yes, I have a good relationship with my daddy and my grandpa and my cousin Justin . . .
But it's really pretty sad. I'd love to fall in love and be loved. I think it'd brighten my life a little. But I don't talk to boys, therefore, I am screwed.

"She was the little cinder girl, living in the shadows of an inaccessible palace, in love with the unseen prince, who would one day hear her music."
- Azar Nafisi

 

"I can fly
But I want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But I crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings"