boys boys boys

"I would just like to let everyone know that I'm a girl and I like ribbons in my hair and I want to kiss all the boys."
Well, maybe not all the boys.
Anyways, the point is that I've been thinking. About me. And guys. And other things, too, but I think I'm just going to write about relationships and such right now. I don't want to scare anyone, haha.
So. I think I could deal with having a boyfriend. I could. I don't hate myself as much as I used to. Sometimes I actually think I'm beautiful and whatnot. Sometimes I love myself. Sometimes I think I'm worthy of love. And when I don't think any or all of these things, I think I could be persuaded. And, hey, last year my old therapist was like....you seem ready for a romantic relationship. And old Dr. Currim (adorable old Indian man) said the same thing! Get a boy! And I was like, oh, ok. Sure. Easier said than done.
However, I don't know that I could have handled it then. But now? Yes, probably. In truth. Well, maybe. Maybe I should work through my, uh, emotional? issues all the way first, but . . . I don't know if that's even ever going to happen. So I guess he'd just have to deal. Or I could just not tell him everything. But I'm not sure I'd want that. I'd have to ask my friends (who already know my stupid crap) if I should tell him all my stupid crap. I'd ask like Dan and Eric and Reece if they would want their girlfriend to tell them and if they think the specific guy could handle it.
It'd be so scary to do, though. I'd have to trust him SO MUCH. And I don't want to be vulnerable again . . . not to anyone. It's just too risky . . . from what I've learned. But what's a relationship without trust? And if I didn't know the guy much beforehand, would it be fair to let him get into a relationship with me without knowing what he'd be getting himself into? I guess I'd just have to give a vague warning.
Anyhow. The problem is I don't think I have a very good chance of getting into a relationship anytime soon. I don't have a good chance because I don't talk to boys! I don't talk to people much in general, but I talk more to girls than boys. I have lots of friends at college that are girls, but I really only have one friend here that's a boy. If I don't talk to boys, they can't get to know me, and if they can't get to know me, they won't fall in love with me, and if they don't fall in love with me, they won't ask me out. This is why I'm screwed in the relationship department. Besides, I really haven't met any guys here that I actually like. I don't have a crush on anyone here! It's pretty weird for me. Well, there are a couple senior guys that caught my eye, but they don't count. They're graduating in less than a semester anyway.
So. I do talk to some boys, but I don't think any of them are going to fall in love with me. These are the boys I actually talk to:
1. Nick - my only guy friend at college; wouldn't date me because he's Catholic and I'm not; besides, I don't like him like that
2. Eric - we've been friends since earlyy elementary school; he has a girlfriend; but I'm actually proud that we've gotten close again over the past couple years <3
3. Reece - I can't even go there. There are so many reasons why we could never date. He loves me, though :) So there.
4. Dan - I think I'd be afraid to date him. He might yell at me. Plus we have some similar issues . . . I don't think he likes me like that . . . although I do know that he believes love can be cultivated with practically anyone . . . um I don't know. But we don't talk anymore. He's really not an option.
5. Josh - he loves me, okay? I'm convinced :) Just kidding. But he is really really nice to me. Sweeeet guy. But I just don't think he's interested. I invited him to both my banquets . . . he might know that I like him . . . he should invite me to his banquet this year . . . but he probably won't . . . he has lots and lots of friends that are girls to ask . . . prettier, thinner ones . . . more talkative ones . . . haha
Yeah, so those are the guys currently in my life who are eligible for dating, girlfriends aside. I.e. yes, I have a good relationship with my daddy and my grandpa and my cousin Justin . . .
But it's really pretty sad. I'd love to fall in love and be loved. I think it'd brighten my life a little. But I don't talk to boys, therefore, I am screwed.

"She was the little cinder girl, living in the shadows of an inaccessible palace, in love with the unseen prince, who would one day hear her music."
- Azar Nafisi

 

"I can fly
But I want his wings
I can shine even in the darkness
But I crave the light that he brings
Revel in the songs that he sings"