something is not the same

something big has changed.
i feel like someone could love me.
like i could allow someone to love me.
like i could be in a relationship.
wow.
and it's because i don't hate myself anymore. (usually)
a lot of the time i like myself or even love myself.
and that makes me a good candidate for a romantic relationship.
it could happen. it could be amazing!
i'm happy with myself and where i am and what i'm doing with my life. i'm not my own ideal - i'm not thin enough not talkative enough not smart enough.....but i am happy!
and i can't get over that feeling
i used to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, usually for no reason at all! and be sad and anxious and depressed and afraid all the time. and all the pressure i put on myself only led to so much trouble . . .
i'm leaving it behind.
not that i don't get sad or anxious or depressed or afraid anymore. i definitely have my moments . . . they are not good moments. it wouldn't be hard to go back to where i used to be. but i hope to God that i don't.
dear God, for the first time in a long time (and this has been developing over the past nine to twelve months or so) i'm actually happy! i'm actually not living in blind misery, in a fog, in the depths of despair or the black holes of Calcutta! i visit, but i don't live there!
there's actually joy in life!
who knew?
and even if no romantic relationship shows up, i might actually be ok with that too. i have God; i have my friends, and i have my family. they are all SO AMAZING. not perfect, but they bring me so much joy!
life is good
and i can live it.
nothing written in stone, though. no promises. no ultimatums. if i want to crawl back into my hole . . . i can.
but right now, i'm basking in the sunlight and loving the hope.
i change so very slowly. but the slower one changes, the easier it is to make those changes permanent. and i want to make joy, strength, hope, and contentment permanent fixtures in my life.